Power of the Pause

I took a hiatus of sorts. 

Since becoming a mom, including nursing and nurturing four children and losing one, I’ve tried to find the right balance. To meet perceived expectations as my own Divinely feminine internal compass tried to guide me, but was often ignored. 

I wanted to use my skills and to prove my worth, sometimes working ‘full time’ or taking on multiple projects. 

But I continued to vacillate between doing too much and not enough, trying to find my womanly work/life groove. 

After doing a spiritual deep dive the past 18 months, I’m now being more intentional about the work I take on and how I spend my time and energy. 

And I’ve discovered that— as with any relationship — projects and the people I work with can be healthy or not. So I choose healthy. Even if it means saying no sometimes.

As a Jewish woman running a fledgling magazine, teaching, and doing freelance projects, I took a break to reassess. And to remind myself that I have enough. I am enough. Even when I may not ‘do’ enough. 

It can feel uncomfortable trying to remain confident in my choice to be selective. To work less but with more passion and time to literally stop and smell the delicious gardenias. To linger under the luscious mango tree in my backyard. To slide my bare feet into the sand at sunset. 

I’m slowly learning to want less stuff, and to show my kids how to budget. 

I’m also learning the art of gratitude for or all I do ‘have’.  

I’m breathing, I’m not hungry. My kids and I dress well within our means. There is plenty of nature to enjoy for free. And there’s even enough for a little tzedaka.

While I’ll continue to use my skills and passion professionally, it’s not in order to create my identity or prove my worth. 

I’m here to serve G-d and do good in a world that seems so dark. 

When feeling uncertain, I like to stop and ask, “What do You need from me now?” 

And then I pause long enough to know the next right step. 

Which may be to surrender to the unknown, and simply to rest. 

#ShabbatShalom #nisheiora #writingcommunity

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